OTHER WORK
“Things To Do During Quarantine Besides…You Know…That”
If you are like most Americans right now you’re probably thinking, “Whoa! Things are just craaazzyyy out here!” and you’ve been forced to self-quarantine. And yeah, at first it was cool or whatever. I mean you caught up on watching all of these really important shows like the Sopranos and Love Island (UK), finally organized your spice cabinet (turns out you have way cinnamon than you’ll ever need), and thought very seriously about writing a screenplay based on your life (like, so seriously you bought Final Draft, which you’ll never open again, idiot). But after three or four days, you got bored and have been doing the thing we all do in the shame and privacy of our bedrooms because what else is there to do? I mean, there you were eating spaghetti in bed and a little teeny bit fell onto your lap and next thing you knew you were elbow deep in marinara sauce and BBWs. It’s getting absurd! You can’t keep going to Pound Town just because there is nothing else to do. Look at you! You don’t even like it anymore, in fact the sight of your genitals is like looking at a pile of dirty dishes. Someone’s gotta do 'em, but you really wish someone else would lift a finger around these parts. At this point you resemble a thick T-Bone steak at the butcher: raw and bloody. Hey, I’m not judging you. I know it’s hard to start writing that book about your 5th grade boyfriend, I get it. However, you cannot afford to lose any more fluids during the pandemic if you want to survive, so below is a fun list of recommendations of things to do to distract yourself from your pants.
Take this time to learn a language!
Want to be a world traveler when this is all said and done? What better time than now to brush up on your language skills you little globetrotting slut, you! Do stay away from Spanish, Italian, and French. They’re too sexy. If you learn French you’ll just be right back where you started. We have ALL seen Call Me By Your Name, we know those languages amount to little more than a yank-a-thon.
Watch a male Twitch streamer play video games.
The idea here is that the games will not only turn you off from the incel energy, but will probably anger you because young men who play these games are toxic. Not the fun toxic like that tall guy you’re in love with who ghosts you for weeks at a time, but like that dude who calls you a whore for not smiling on command. Anyway, the following games are instant ice baths:
League of Legends
DOTA
Counterstrike
That ought to dry you right up.
Catch up on the classics!
“The Social Network” - Zuckerberg is like a giant spider. I don’t know how or why, but he is. This movie will surely give you a case of the creepies. Zuckerberg, blonde twins, and capitalism? Netherworld could never.
“12 Angry Men” - The title says it all. 11 pissed off white dudes in the 50s, and one surprisingly chipper man, arguing for HOURS about whether or not some dude should die at the hands of the law. Not to mention, I’m not sure AC had been invented yet bc these guys are WET. I’m talking 12 absolutely sopping wet pre-boomers, walking out of there drenched in their own sweat. Think of the smell: sweat and a dirty ass.
“Coco” - How are you gonna be jerking it if you’re crying?
So there you have it! Follow these tips and you’ll be sure to recover from what can only be described as kneading bread in your own oven. I’m not even sure how that would work, but hey, I’m not judging. I just have way more experience than most in the art of shame and whatever the opposite of being horny is. Yes, I was raised catholic, but don't for a second think that you’ll get out this one so easy. If you attend church you might run into a “Fleabag Hot Priest” situation or catch a glimpse of Jesus’ sweet abs. At that point, you’re gonna be right back where you started. Thanks for reading again, and good luck nursing that sweet bean back to health so “hot girl summer” can commence post vaccine.
-04/2020
Art by Michaela Wilkins
“A Short Story I Wrote During My Sophmore Year Creative Writing Class From Tom Cruise’s POV About Why He Joined The Church of Scientology”
“Stop!” I shout but no one seems to hear. Their cruel faces staring blankly at me judging my every word.
“Shame” they chant. I’m going mad - I must be. I pull and pull on my hair until my scalp is numb. Every follicle ripped and torn away from my gorgeous scalp that cost me hundreds to maintain.
“Mr. Cruise, we asked you a question,” the attorney, Mr. Moxon, states. “How would you describe your relationship with Mr. Miscaivige?”
Disoriented, I take a deep breath and loosen my tie. Stay cool, Cruise, I think to myself. “We have an outstanding relationship. He has been my guide throughout this journey. He knows better than anyone my loyalty to this organization, and has even awarded me the Medal of Valor. I like to think I’m one of his closest confidants.” Mr. Miscaivige nods his head and smiles at me from his seat.
“This ‘Medal of Valor’... what were you awarded that for again? Be specific.”
“I got it for all of my… good work for the church. Like….” I blank. The sweat is really starting to collect like hundreds of boiling drops of water burning my face. In that moment it takes all my strength to not look at David Miscaivige. It would devastate me to know that I have failed him. He has given me everything. He gave me a replacement girlfriend when Nicole left, he helped me advanced to level 80 in the church, and he got me a sick mansion within the compound. Suddenly, the courtroom begins murmuring. “Wait! I’ve done nothing wrong! The only thing I’m guilty of is loving too much!” I begin sobbing. Hopeless, I rest my tired teary head in my hands.
Mr. Moxon slowly walks over to me. Towering over me he mercilessly says, “It’s no secret. You’re an amazing actor. I’d save those tears for the screen, Tommy. You’ll want to answer this next question honestly... What are you true intentions in the Church of Scientology? Remember, LRH is watching you.”
To the left of me hangs an enormous picture of L. Ron Hubbard. His sunburned skin and wet lips mock me. His genius birthed the world I live in and for that I thank him. On the same side of the room sits David. I can’t ignore him. David looks worried. For his sake, I must come clean. With tears strolling down my face, I whisper, “LRH forgive me.”
“Fine!’ I shout. “I can carry this burden no more. If you all lived my life you’d do the same. Then you’d see! It was 1984. Risky Business had just come out. It was a hit, but everywhere I went to promote it people said stuff like ‘he’s much shorter in person, right?’ ‘Was everyone in that movie tiny? He’s got stubby legs if you really look at him.’ I was ready to hide in a cave or something. Do any of you know what it’s like to have everyone comment on your body? Well? Do YOU!? No, of course not. Right when I was about to go back to school and get a degree, I see him. A man. A glorious, tiny man. He was almost normal, but not quite. No more than 5 foot 4... Anyway, my gut told me to follow him. He lead me to a building with a sign out front that read ‘Scientology’. We got to talking and he turned out to be David Miscavige, the soon to be leader of the church. When I was with him, my life was better. People would say things like ‘Wow, Tom is looking so good these days’ or ‘Is it me or did Tom grow like 6 inches?’ Soon after, I was landing roles left and right. I met Nicole and had a family. David was my secret weapon. He was my fate. After spending all that time with him, getting to know him better and getting involved with the church- I realized something…” every fiber in my body was telling me to shut it. I looked upon the sea of people all at the edge of their seats, waiting patiently. I never disappoint an audience.
“I had fallen madly in love with you, David! You’re my muse!” I jump out of my seat and run for David, who looks absolutely furious. A squadron of men in suits cover him and take him away while I am left on the ground heeding the wave of one thousand electric volts pulsating in my body. Struggling, I uttered, “Stop… Tom… Crucifying me.” And just like that I was out like a light.
- 10/2018
“Bad News Bear”
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Written By Alejandra Jimenez & Michaela Wilkins
Art by Michaela Wilkins 11/2018